It's been really frustrating, honestly. I've reached the age where a lot of my peers are starting professional internships, gaining real-world experience, starting careers, getting married, and starting families. I look at their lives and then look at mine and wonder, what am I doing wrong? Why doesn't my life look like that? What am I doing with myself? Am I failing at life? They're all so successful.
But let's take a step back for a second - what does "successful" even mean?
Success
[suh k-ses]
noun
1. the favorable or prosperous termination of attempts or endeavors; the accomplishment of one's goals.
2. the attainment of wealth, position, honors, or the like.
3. a performance or achievement that is marked by success, as measured by the attainment of goals, wealth, etc.
Thanks, Dictionary. Still vague.
So, it would appear that success all boils down to achieving goals and getting money. Wow. Sounds super fulfilling in the long run. Obviously, there's a lot more to it than that. For instance, if success is measured monetarily, what's the magic number where you can sit back and say, "That's it. This is enough. I have achieved success"? Or if you measure it in goals. Do you stop after one goal? A hundred? What constitutes a goal, anyway? Does it make me successful to achieve my goal of eating an entire pint of ice cream by myself at 3 am?
Is success even attainable at all?
Truth is, I don't know. But maybe that's okay. The great thing about the idea of Success being so vague is that it gives you the power to define it. Sure, I may not have tons of money, but I'm doing things, making things, pushing myself, and interacting with the world.
I mean, if I really look at things - I moved out to California on my own, I teach voice, acting, and dancing to children, I'm a performer for one of the most iconic companies in the WORLD, I'm finally at a healthy weight, I'm in the best physical shape that I've been in since before my auto-immune diseases, I'm making friends and building community, and I keep pushing myself to go to auditions and send out resumes and figure out what my place in the world is supposed to be. I'd say I'm doing pretty okay.
And as far as my career goes, I never was one of those people who wanted the desk job with the house, kids, minivan, and shi-tzu in the suburbs. I wanted adventure in the great wide somewhere, and that's what I'm getting. It's a lot harder and scarier than I thought it would be, but I want to believe it's worth it. I don't care if I'm never rich as long as I have a rich life. Also, I'm 23. It's okay if my job doesn't have anything to do with my major right now. As long as I can find a way to do the things I love while supporting myself, I'd say I'm doing just fine. I'd probably explode from sheer boredom if I were stuck doing the same thing my entire adult life anyway.
More importantly, why does success have to be based on what you do? If success is purely quantitative, then what's to stop us all from crawling all over each other to fight our way to the top of the heap?
Almost a month ago, my grandmother passed away. She was almost 91 and had been deteriorating for about a year and a half, so of course we all knew she couldn't be around forever. Still, when she did pass, we were broken. I felt lost, knowing that my world would truly never be the same without her in it. In the days that passed, we remembered her and the beautiful impact she had in the corner of the world she occupied. Everyone remembered her for all the little ways she was constantly touching people's lives. She was a quiet servant, a problem-solver, a nurturer of life, and a fierce prayer warrior. You always knew you could come to her with anything and she would never judge you, but do whatever she could to help you. She drew joy from nourishing the body and the soul. That is why she is missed so sorely by those who loved her. It wasn't that she had an amazing career (although she did), it wasn't that she had an immaculate house and gardens (although they were always inviting), it wasn't that she had a rich husband and perfect children, but it was who she was that was so, so important.
So, more than a career, more than wealth, more than fame, more than achievements and goals and everything else, I want to be successful the way Grandma Theresa was. Believe me, those are massive shoes to fill. In her unobtrusive, subtly sassy Irish way, she made every piece of this world that she touched better for it. I want my funeral to be like hers was - a true celebration of a beautifully successful life.
Love you forever; see you soon, Grandma Theresa.
