So, yeah. I graduated college. And it's really weird, and just like any birthday or milestone or whatever, I don't really feel any different. It feels kind of strange to say that. Maybe it's just because it hasn't hit me yet because it just feels like any other end-of-semester relief, but I was kind of expecting to feel...more? I mean, graduating college is a pretty big deal! I'm moving to another state in 3 months, I'm not going back to school in the fall, and I'm starting a career and a whole different chapter in my life! It's a big deal!
If it's such a big deal, if such massive changes are coming in my life, why don't I feel more? Or, maybe a better question to be asking myself would be, what am I supposed to be feeling right now? Pride? Accomplishment? Excitement? Trepidation? Nostalgia? Because those are all there in a weird, slightly unsettling cocktail of vague emotion that I don't really know what to do with. Seems like I've been feeling a lot of those lately.
Anyway, enough about the feels, here's some stuff I learned in college! (In no particular order) :D
People don't have to be terrifying.
I've always been that kid who hid behind her mom and cried whenever an attempted introduction was made. I'm the type of person who gets really worn out from parties and social gatherings of any kind. I'm that person who relishes a free Friday night to sit in my sweatpants, sip tea, and watch Doctor Who.
It's not that I don't like people - I really do! I have super awesome friends whom I love dearly and absolutely love spending time with them. But, for a while, it usually took me a really really long time to get to a place where I'm that comfortable with them.
Most of my life, I had lived under the assumption that if someone wanted to play with or talk to me, they would approach me. Which also means that if they didn't approach me, they didn't want anything to do with me. If I approached them, I was bothering them. Kind of twisted logic there, but that's how my silly little brain worked. For a very long time.
When I first got to college, one of the things I hated most was "participating" in class. It meant I had to opinion and draw attention to myself in front of A WHOLE CLASS OF PEOPLE. I would get so nervous of people watching me that I would get tongue-tied, trains of thought would spontaneously derail, and I wouldn't be able to say half the things I actually meant to. I got so afraid of it that I basically just stopped altogether, and it actually ended up hurting my grade a few times even though I had opinions and answers that I could have shared but had too much social anxiety to speak up.
At the end of my freshman year, I got a job at the St. James Tearoom. They told me I'd be working in the gift shop, and that I would have to verbally, eye-contact, personally greet every single guest who came into the restaurant. I attempted to mask my terror, because I really wanted that job. It turns out that being forced to talk to strangers all day was extremely beneficial to me.
Now, don't get me wrong. It took me YEARS of being forced to talk to people before I was actually somewhat comfortable with it. There are still some people who come into the tearoom that I have trouble engaging. But, on the whole, I'm actually beginning to enjoy it. People are really interesting. And! Also! Who would have thunk it? They often think you're pretty interesting too. People love it when I share an interesting little fact, make a quirky quip, or get excited that we have some random thing in common.
Forcing myself to put myself out there at the Tearoom has also helped me get past my anxieties of speaking up in class, articulating what's wrong with me to the doctor, actually getting danced with at social dances, and not being absolutely petrified to go out and try new things with new groups of people and making new friends. I know that for a lot of you, all of that stuff may just come naturally, but trust me, this is a HUGE STEP FOR ME. Even this blog is a huge step! I am putting my thoughts and opinions on display for the world! Which brings me to the next thing...
It's okay for me to have opinions.
This one has really hit me in the face over this past year. See, for a while there, I was trying to make everyone else in my life happy - happy with me, in particular. I would try to figure out what their opinions were, and try to tailor mine to fit, or at least not clash with, theirs. Being the middle child, I was used to being the mediator between my older brother and my younger brother. I would try to see both sides of whatever issue and try to come to some sort of compromise so that everybody would be happy and things would just be hunky-dory and we could all sit around and hold hands and eat marshmallows.
Then, I discovered that normal people have opinions, and some people even enjoy arguing. I do not enjoy arguing, or really any kind of conflict in general. So, I assumed that opinions, or at least airing one's opinions, brought about discord and disdain.
But opinions are good. You need to have them. And it's totally okay if they're different than someone else's. If you can have good, solid reasons for why you have the opinion you do, great! If those reasons are different than someone else's and they don't agree with you, great! Of course, you should be willing to hear people out, see other sides of issues, and investigate where you have questions, but that doesn't mean that you shouldn't form an opinion on anything just because you feel like you might not have all the information. Opinions can change, and that's fine too. Just take the time to think deeply and carefully about things, and don't be afraid to share what you've found.
I have some pretty fantastic people in my life.
I knew this one all along, but seriously, I am surrounded by thoroughly awesome people who challenge, grow, love, and support me through all the crazy things life throws at me. I can't tell you how lucky I feel to be able to call my family members some of my best friends in the whole world, and to have such a wonderful group of friends that I know I can always count on. I'm going to miss you all so much when I'm away. Blah blah blah, sappy sappy, I lurve you guys muches 'n stuff. Ok! Moving on before I start blubbering.
I'm stronger and more capable than I think I am.
College has brought a lot of crazy stuff in my life. I've had to deal with some really painful, confusing, scary things, but you know what? I still came out of it alright. I've accomplished things I never thought I could, I've overcome insecurities and personal failings, I've gotten better audition results than I ever hoped for, I've completed projects, I've had my works performed, I've overcome physical setbacks, I've pushed through health issues and healed from injuries, I've survived heartbreak, I've learned how to keep moving forward. I graduated college, guys.
I'm still me.
Lots of things have changed. I'd like to think I've gotten more mature, more responsible, etc. I know how to really think deeply about and critically analyze things. I've made a lot of mistakes. My thoughts and opinions on a lot of things have changed, grown, deepened. I've lost touch with people and grown closer to others. I've discovered I can write. I like wine now. I've learned that I don't have to do everything and be everything for everybody and that that's okay. I use some bad words sometimes. I listen to different music than I listened to in high school. I've done some things that I regret and that I can't take back. I've done some really awesome things.
They say that you change the most when you're in college. Maybe that's true. I certainly know I've changed a lot. But I'm still me. That is never going to change. Who I am, fundamentally, at my core, will never be anything other than Ellie. That's pretty comforting as I try to navigate this next phase of my life when I'm still trying to figure out how a compass works and life suddenly hands me a sextant.
(That's this thing, just in case you were wondering>>>)
God is good.
There have been times, particularly this past year, where I couldn't see that. I got caught up in the things I could see and couldn't make sense of. I doubted the relevancy and reliability of the Bible and doubted if my faith was worth having at all. But through my doubts, questions, prying, searching, and stubbornness, God was able to work with all of it. He showed me exactly the kinds of proof I needed to show me that he's real and alive and at work.
If you're in a place where you're starting to think that maybe God is just something we humans make up to make ourselves feel better, feel free to talk to me about it. I've been there and totally get where you're coming from. I don't have nearly the room on this blog to go into all the details, but if you want to check it out, Mark Biltz' research on the blood moons and Jewish feast days will kind of blow your mind. Seriously, you can't make that stuff up.
What's really amazing to me is just how personal God has shown himself to be in my life, even when I resist with everything I have. He will never give up on me. He'll always try to call me back, using the very traits and propensities that oppose him, and turning them around to make my faith stronger than ever. Now, this doesn't let me off the hook. It's true that God will keep pursuing me and calling me, but I have the choice to answer or ignore that call. I have the choice to explore my doubts and really try to find answers, or just dismiss everything and turn my back on my faith because there are things about it that I don't understand. That's not how I want to live my life. I want to live my life with hope, and hope always springs out strongest when it stands in the face of pain, fear, and uncertainty. And the greatest hope is knowing that we never have to face our pain, fear, and uncertainty alone.
