Reflection and Resolution

I'm ready for 2013 to be over. I am sooooooooooo ready for 2013 to be over. It was a huge year for discovery and change, but not necessarily all the good kind. In 2013, I discovered a lot of things about myself - a lot of the things about myself that I like to ignore, or hate to admit are there. This year has exposed many insecurities, many weaknesses, has highlighted my tendency to be sullen and despondent whenever things aren't going my way, my laziness, my pride, and the way I can get so annoyed by some tiny little thing, and then lash out with unkind words and a disrespectful attitude for something that really shouldn't matter. This year has opened up the cracks in my faith and revealed my doubts. This year has shown my tendency not toward trust, but toward doubt, self-protection, and isolation.

But that's not all that 2013 taught me. It also taught me I can change, grow, and move forward.

One major event of 2013 was Carnegie Hall. We had literally been looking forward to it all year. My mom got a call New Year's Day from Jason Paulk, the conductor of the concert, asking if her choir would join a few others from around the state to sing Vivaldi's Gloria in Carnegie Hall in November. We were floored. It had challenges - mostly monetary - but this trip was so perfect and came from nowhere, we knew we had to go for it, so we did.

All year long, we were fundraising, planning, and rehearsing. It started to feel unreal, like it was turning into this vague thing somewhere far off in the future that we'd never actually get to. I just kind of got into a rhythm and never really thought about the reality of the thing much.

That seemed to be a pattern of 2013, falling into a rhythm. I fell into habits and took things for granted. I wasn't paying as much attention to my friends and family as I probably should have been, because I was in a relationship - a relationship that was quickly becoming a habit and a pattern too.

I tried to be the perfect girlfriend, and as I felt him slip farther and farther away, I got scared. I wasn't doing it right. There must be something wrong with me. I needed to try harder. I forgot who I was and what I wanted, and I just ended up pushing him away, not giving him what he really needed from me by just being honest and authentic.

So it ended, and I was devastated.

As a result of the emotional trauma, my health really went south. The doctors have run tons of tests, but they still can't figure out what's wrong with my stomach. That was really hard to deal with when I suddenly found myself without the sole person I had been depending on for so long. I sought out my closest friends, but two of them had already moved away earlier that summer, and four more moved away within three weeks of the breakup.

I felt lost and alone. I tried auditioning for a show, because surely that would keep me busy enough to be distracted from my feelings. I didn't even make it into the ensemble. I was upset at first, but then I saw it as an opportunity to really focus on dance again. I even bought a pair of pointe shoes and started practicing with them. It had been my dream to get on pointe for...basically forever. About a week before my instructor was going to let me use them in class, I sprained my back. I couldn't even come back to class for about five weeks, and even then, I could only do about half the things I was able to do before the injury - and forget about going on pointe anytime soon.

Devastation. Again.

For most of the year, I had prettymuch been ignoring God. Mostly because I was afraid of what I might hear if I tried to talk to him. I didn't want him to take anything away. It ended up getting taken away after all. So, I tried visiting a college ministry. Pretty soon, I was involved in projects around campus and found myself on the worship team. I always piped up in discussions and even became the leader of a small prayer group.

One girl from the leadership asked me if I would be interested in taking on a younger girl to disciple in the spring semester. She told me they had thought of me immediately because I seemed to be such a mature Christian. It was that moment that I really started to realize how fake I felt.

All semester long, I had been trying so hard to be this strong Christian with unwavering faith and trust in God, in spite of all the things that had been getting taken away from me. But secretly, I was angry, and I was really really scared. I was questioning a lot of things about my faith, about the validity and relevancy of the Bible, and whether there really was a God at all. I was questioning that maybe if I wasn't a Christian, could things have worked out with my boyfriend? If I wasn't a Christian, would I still be this miserable? But I felt so guilty and horrible for thinking those things, that I pretended I wasn't having any of those thoughts at all. I thought, if I say I believe enough, if I do enough Christian-y ministry things enough, maybe it'll actually start to be true.

But as the year wore on, it wasn't working. I was still mad about the way things had happened to me that fall, and that I was still stuck in the same pain, confusion, and guilt from the end of the relationship that seemed to kick it all off. It was November, and it would have been a year, had he not broken up with me four months earlier. Everything in the air felt like it did back then, and it was driving me insane. He wasn't seeing me, he wasn't recognizing how I felt and how much he had hurt me, and I couldn't let that go. I was going to sing in Carnegie Hall in just a couple of weeks, and it was like it didn't matter.

The trip finally came and I tried so hard to be excited. And I was. It really was exciting, and I saw so many amazing things. But I kept watching my friends. They were in wonderful, sweet, super godly, amazing relationships, and they were seeing all these things too, and sharing them with the person they loved most. I remembered back in March, I think it was Easter actually, when my boyfriend and I went out for pizza and talked about the possibility of him coming along on the trip. Every cool thing we saw in New York, I watched those three pairs of my friends hold hands, whisper, giggle, and kiss, and I felt my loneliness keenly. I wished he was there to see it all with me. I thought of all the places we said we'd travel to. I remembered the trip to Seattle we went on together in the summer, and the absolutely wonderful day we had just exploring the city, getting lost and drenched, but laughing and holding each other as we finally crashed on his mom's couch. I was in New York City with a group of 70 people, and I felt incredibly alone, and I felt like it was my fault. My friends were doing it right. I saw how wonderfully Christian they all were, and became drowned by regret and resentment. I wasn’t happy like them – could never be happy like them – because I had messed up. I didn’t do the relationship thing right, or the Christian thing right, so I was being punished and didn’t deserve another chance. But that wasn’t at all what God was trying to say to me over that trip.

Things began to change on Sunday, the day of our concert. That morning, we went to a service at Times Square Church. I honestly wasn’t looking forward to it at all, but of course I couldn’t let anyone know that. We walked in, and it wasn't at all what I expected - I saw this beautiful refurbished theater with frescoed ceilings and ornate wood carvings all over. The place even had gorgeous bathrooms. There were chandeliers in the freaking bathrooms, people. I started to actually feel a little excited to be there.

When the service started, the massive gospel choir sang with incredible feeling about God’s majesty. I felt like I didn’t belong there. Then, the blind preacher got up to speak. He talked about Peter when he denied Christ, but brought focus to the fact that Jesus told Peter that he would deny him. Jesus knew that Peter’s unbelief, his questions, his shame, and his failure were inevitable. No matter how hard he tried, no matter how vehemently Peter argued his steadfast trust and loyalty, he would fail. But when the rooster crowed, it wasn’t the end of Peter’s story. God wasn’t finished with him. He would go on to do amazing things, far more than he ever could have imagined, partly because of his failure. Jesus knows that if we follow him, we’re going to doubt, be afraid, question who we are and everything we believe in, and fail. But when we do, he’s not finished with us. Yes, we’ll fail, but his purpose is never to leave us there. He loves us, and wants us to become something greater, something more like himself, so that we can show that love to the world.

I felt his love for me in that church, and it was something I hadn’t felt for a long time. I knew I had a concert later that night, but I belted the closing songs louder than I ever had before. I wanted to know that God – the God of love, redemption, and restoration.

When we were finally on stage in Carnegie Hall, I started to grasp God’s love for me. But in the middle of the concert, in a solo movement where we weren’t singing, all the regret and the condemnation that I’d been harboring came back to me. But I was not going to let it ruin that concert for me. The next movement, I concentrated on the words I was singing. Lord God, Lamb of God, Son of the Father, who takes away the sins of the world, have mercy on us. Hear our supplication. Hear my supplication. You alone are holy. 

You are the only one who can bring victory over the pain and injustice of this world, because one day, we will be with you in the glory of the spirit.

When the last chord reverberated through the hall, the echoes of our voices faded, and the applause began, I recognized the indescribably beautiful moment that God had given me. That moment was made all the more beautiful by the feeling of freedom and triumph over the guilt and condemnation that had been holding me back.

After we sang, we were able to go out into the audience and listen to the other piece on the program, Morten Lauridsen’s Lux Aeterna, one of the most beautiful choral works ever written. This piece spoke of God’s love and redemption, but most of all, hope. I followed along in the translation printed in our programs. I closed my eyes and became wrapped in the sound and the words that told of hope and peace beyond struggle, redemption beyond pain, and I wept. I knew in that moment that I didn’t have to fear the future, that God doesn’t just take things away from us. He had given me that concert, but had spoken to me so gently and so personally to remind me that he will never give up on me no matter what I do or where I go. He loved me at my darkest. He gave me something beautiful, and I know he’s not finished with me, and that I can look forward with hope.

Now, even after all this, I still struggle. I struggle with sadness, doubt, fear, frustration, and I still have massive questions about God and my faith that maybe won't be answered for a while. But I know there is a God, and I know that I am loved. Because I am loved, I need to share that love with the people I come in contact with. Because I am loved, I can hope.

2014 is certainly going to bring its challenges. I'm graduating college in May...with a Creative Writing degree. The prospect is daunting, to say the least. I'm hoping to move out of the state and establish myself on my own. It's really freaking scary, honestly, but I'm actually starting to get excited. Sure, I know this year is going to have challenges, sadness, disappointment, and lots and lots of change, but it's exciting. I want to look forward to it with the hope of new possibility, not look backward at 2013 with regret of the bad choices I made or the stupid things I did or the tactless things I said. I want to be able to use them, remember them, and make better choices, do smarter things, and act with kindness, grace, and love toward those that I share my life with.

Most of all, I want to be joyful. I want to be where I am, wherever I happen to be. I don't want to be stuck in the past or be paralyzed by fear of the future - I don't live in either of those places, so neither should my heart. Sure, I can learn from the past and prepare for the future, but I don't want either of them to rule me. I'm growing and learning and feeling and thinking and loving and being, right where I am. And I want to go out and do things. I want to go places and make life happen. There are endless possibilities and I'm itching to explore and discover - to let go and push my limits farther and farther.

I don't have everything figured out. I don't know exactly where I'm going. I haven't found resolutions to all my problems, pain, and questions, but I guess that's just part of this whole crazy growing up thing.


"This year is a sealed envelope;
With apprehensive hope
We brace for anything.
I swear, I understand that nothing changes that,
The past will be the past,
But the future is brighter than any flashback."

~Sleeping At Last, 'January White'



( I promise, Sleeping At Last is not the only band I ever listen to - their lyrics just happen to be so dang appropriate :P )

Being Type-Cast

I've been in a few plays over the years. I've played roles ranging from crotchety old lady, to Jane Austen heroine, to bored father (Yes, I did say father. That's not a typo.) However, those were the anomalies. Mostly, especially in most recent productions, I have played the frail-yet-selfless forgiver. This character endures dark, frightful, inhumane circumstances, yet at the end, is able to turn to those who caused those circumstances and respond to them in grace, forgiveness, and love.

The nameless prisoner was tortured day after day to give up the names of her compatriots, but instead of hating her captor and torturer, she chose to see him as he surely once was: a beautiful, innocent child. She told him of Saul, a man who tortured and killed countless Christians in the first century, but how his life was touched by the love of Christ, changing him into one of the greatest apostles in history. By trying to understand her torturer, she showed him grace.

Mary's husband had been killed. She and her small daughter were forced to flee with a small group of Christians to an abandoned church in the mountains. While there, her daughter ate tainted food, contracted botulism, and died. Their group was discovered by government agents, and one of her dearest friends had just been shot because she refused to deny her faith. Instead of running, instead of screaming and crying and fighting, Mary calmly accepted her death, urging her friends to look forward to glory rather than be consumed by the present injustice.

Edgar was exiled, forced to flee for his life. He had been betrayed by his brother and was now pursued by his father. The king was corrupt and insane. Instead of escaping the country, Edgar stayed close by and feigned madness in order to stay close to the king and his father so that he might protect them as they became more and more vulnerable. He forgave his father for the misunderstanding and kept him from committing suicide. Even when Edgar did exact revenge on his brother for betraying him and his attempt to usurp the throne, his brother had a change of heart at the last, and Edgar responded by calling him, "Worthy Prince." He exacted justice, but never gave in to bitterness.

Helen Burns, only eleven years old, lived much of her life away from her loving family in a harsh school for girls. The schoolmasters were cruel, making the girls suffer humiliation, hunger, and psychological and physical abuse. She quietly defied them by befriending a lonely girl named Jane Eyre, whom the girls had been ordered not to speak to. Soon however, Helen became gravely ill. As Jane sat by her deathbed, Helen charged Jane to follow the example given by Jesus to bless those who curse you, forgive the unforgivable, and love the loveless.

Betsie Ten Boom, a Dutch woman in her late sixties, died slowly of illness and abuse in the Nazi concentration camp, Ravensbruck. She was sent there for being suspected of harboring Jews in her home during the Nazi occupation of Haarlem. Her entire life was devoted to serving others, pouring out her very soul to show the love of Christ to every single person she came in contact with. In her days at Ravensbruck, she prayed with and read the Bible to the women in the barracks. She strengthened her sister, Corrie, that they must "give thanks, even for the fleas" that infested their bunks. It turned out that the Nazi guards would not enter their barracks because of the fleas, which afforded Betsie and Corrie the opportunity to spread Christ's message of love and hope to the fellow prisoners. As she is dying in the arms of her sister, after a horrendous beating by the Nazi guard, Lieutenant Metzler, Betsie urges her sister to "care for and love them - the guards, the soldiers." Her love extended even to those that everyone had just reason to abhor.

And I was asked to portray all these people. Over and over again, directors saw something in me that they believed could spread these messages. I would like to say it's because I'm like these people, that there's something in me that would be able to behave like them in those situations. But I'm not. The characters I get type-cast as are merely visions of the person I wish I was. But it has been an honor to tell their stories, and the opportunity to get inside their heads has truly changed my life.

One common theme that I've discovered, is that all these characters have taught me a great deal about forgiveness.

1. "I forgive you" does not mean the same thing as "It's okay".
Forgiving someone does not mean dismissing or ignoring the injustice done. What it does mean, is that you are no longer letting the injustice have a hold on you. What's done is done, and you are choosing to move forward. Forgiveness acknowledges that something went wrong, but that you refuse to let more wrong come from yourself by injuring that person back or harboring bitterness.

2. Forgiveness isn't the easy way.
It is easy to hate someone who has injured you. It feels good. That sense of vindication you get when you spew venom about that person to those around you, and you see them nod their heads in agreement - it feels really good. They made you suffer, so you delight in their suffering, or at least going over and over again in your head the reasons why they should suffer. I admit with shame that it is very easy for me to fall into this pattern. But that's not what forgiveness is. Let's say the wrong that the person did to you is the initial wound. Feelings of hatred, bitterness, and resentment, acts of spite, harsh words (to them or to your friends), and revenge are the shrapnel. If left in the wound, the shrapnel cuts deeper into your flesh, festers, gets infected, and spreads farther and farther until it consumes you. Forgiveness is the act of removing that shrapnel. And it's by no means easy. It hurts - god, does it hurt. But it hurts because it's starting to heal.

3. Learn to forget.
I struggle particularly with the "forget" half of "forgive and forget." I've always had a fantastic memory. My brothers hated playing those matching games with me when we were little because I always won, and usually quickly. I remember random details about people and random events and conversations in pretty vivid detail. My family makes fun of me, saying that I can quote an entire movie as long as I've seen it two times. It's an exaggeration, but really, not by that much.

I remember things, and I don't let go of them. I remember how someone hurt me in vivid detail, and all the feelings of the initial moment come flooding back to me. The wounds re-open, and the last thing I want to do is forgive the person for hurting me like that over and over again. What I need to do is resign those feelings, those memories, and move forward. Forgiveness does not live in the past, it lives in the present, in what positive things you can do now.

4. You need to forgive yourself.
This is another huge area of struggle for me, and again, has been my whole life. I cannot stand the thought of disappointing people, or especially God, and so I destroy myself any time I do. I should have been better, I should be better, and because I'm not, I'm a failure and don't deserve forgiveness, and especially not love.

If I'm to try to forgive and love those around me, how can I possibly do so if I refuse to do the same for myself? If I can't let go of anything I've done, how can I let go of others' mistakes? You must allow yourself to be forgiven, first by accepting the forgiveness of those you've failed or hurt, and second by forgiving yourself and allowing yourself to let go of it.

5. Forgive the way Christ forgave you.
There are so many beautiful examples of Christ's forgiveness. His entire life was devoted to the purpose. It is beautifully summed up in Romans 5:7-8, "Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous man, though for a good man someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." In our sin, in our hatred of him, we injure God's heart beyond what we can fathom. But his love is so great that he chooses to die for us - to forgive us - while we are in the midst of spitting at his very name. If we have been forgiven of something so great as this, how can we stand by and withhold our forgiveness of others? And yet I consistently find myself acting as the pardoned debtor who throws a man in prison over a few denarii.

6. Forgiveness is a choice.
It is up to you to choose how to react to injustice and injury. You can respond by injuring them back, or you can choose to end the vicious cycle. Forgiveness is not just a choice you make at the moment of injury either. It is a daily choice. When I talk with my friends, I can choose to berate and complain about those who have hurt me, or I can choose to pray for them instead. When I interact with those who have hurt me, I can make sure they know exactly how angry I am, or I can reach out to them and see what I can do to help them, even if that means keeping my distance or getting uncomfortably close. When my mind wanders, I can choose to dwell on my pain, on fantasies of vindication, or I can choose to let it go, and instead focus on what I can do right now to make things better. Forgiveness does not live in the past, and neither should I. Forgiveness is about moving forward past the darkness to something beautiful.

7. "Love is greater."
The only possible way for this kind of forgiveness to take shape is through love. Love of our forgiven selves, love of the God and the people who have forgiven us, and love toward the people we have been hurt by. Without love, it is impossible to move past injustice, let go of pain, and show mercy and grace. We are called to be conduits of Christ's unfailing and unending love in this world, and the most important time for us to do that is when it's hardest.

Betsie Ten Boom knew this. She showed this kind of love every day of her life. She also knew she wouldn't be around to show it much longer. So, in her final moments in her sister's arms, she urged Corrie to "teach them that there is no pit so deep that He is not deeper still. Love is greater, Corrie. We must teach them that love is greater."


By no means have I perfected how to truly forgive and love people. I fail constantly. It was hard writing this blog, because it reminds me just how much I still have to work on. But I don't want to give up. I think I get type-cast for a reason. Sure, my real self may be a poor reflection of those I'm charged to portray, but they've all taught me something, and they've all challenged me to reach for something better - to try and be more like them. I hope that I will be able to face the Lieutenant Metzlers of my life, release them, and say, "Yes. Love is greater."

On The Title

Well hey there, everybody! Now, being the super observant people you are, you may have noticed that this lovely little thing called my blog is titled, "Elegance in Dissonance." Unless you are particularly fond of the band, "Sleeping At Last," (which, if you're not, you totally should be) you're probably not familiar with the phrase I chose for the title of this blog. Basically, it's from a song on their August EP from the "Yearbook" series called "Page 28." Here's a link so you can listen to it:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7_tebymuZBI

And here are the lyrics:

Have you read the script?
Could you picture it?
Is it worth the risk?

Everything I love
Is on the line,
On these neon signs.

But I need to know - when you looked away,
Was it something that I said? was it something that I said?
Well okay, okay, I need you more than I did before.
Now that the concrete is nearly set.

Here in the second act I'm living in repair.
Strange how the heart adapts when its pieces disappear.
And there, on page 28, I'm so tired of drying glue,
I begin my grand attempt at building something new.

Though I tend to write
The epiphany more immediately,
I guess I'm trusting that there's such a thing
As elegance in dissonance.

God, I'm skeptical of pulling scenes.
Was it something that I said? was it something that I did?
Please don't get me wrong - I still need your help
As history repeats itself

Here in the aftermath, I'm pulling at the seams.
Strange how the heart adapts in the absence of routine.
And there, on page 29, I find “new” and make it mine.
But I can't help casting shadows on all I leave behind.

Maybe I could afford to change a bit -
Even let go of the reigns.
Every torn out page was worth the risk
Now that the stakes have been raised.

So here in the final draft, I've given all I have.
Strange how the heart expands in the absence of a plan.
There's nothing left on the page, but I'm okay with that,
For I found my resolution
Was designed for stronger hands.

It's so funny, and kind of a little trippy, that this song is on the August EP. This is prettymuch exactly how I felt this past August. I really did feel like my life was in dissonance, that the pieces of my heart had disappeared, and that the story that I thought I was following had just stopped, and I had no idea where I was going or why anything was happening the way it was. But that all of that was okay. That I would be okay. 

Dissonance is defined as, 1. a harsh, disagreeable combination of sounds; discord
2. Lack of agreement, consistency, or harmony; conflict
3. A combination of tones contextually considered to suggest unrelieved tension and require resolution.

In other words, it's notes being sounded together that grate on your ear, that seem like they shouldn't go together, that don't "agree" or make sense, that create feelings of uneasiness. Thus, they "require resolution."

The thing about dissonance is that it is not only necessary to music, it is integral to the way it functions. Music would be incredibly boring were it only composed of consonant chords. There would be no need for chord progression or leading tones because nothing would ever need to be resolved. It would just be a jumble of nice-sounding notes, but with absolutely no direction or shape. Dissonances add a sense of longing, leading, urgency, and unfinished-ness, so that when we do hear those consonances again, we're relieved as we think back on the phrase. Suddenly, every dissonant note makes sense, and we agree that each moment of tension had to be there for the phrase to be beautiful. 

This piece, from the best movie version of Jane Eyre I've ever seen, with one of the best soundtracks I've ever heard, is a great example of how lots of dissonance in music can serve to make it absolutely gorgeous.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kjUrfznXwbo

The purpose of dissonance is to drive the phrase forward to resolution. It is the conflict between what doesn't make sense and what does that makes the music beautiful. It's the tension that makes you want to keep listening for the release. 

There have been a lot of points in my life where it seems like nothing makes sense. Times where I want to escape everything because thinking is painful. Nothing is going right, and I can't see where my life is going and I just want everything to stop. But every single time, I've eventually found resolution, and I've come out of every trial - every period of dissonance - stronger than before. 

"For I found my resolution / Was designed for stronger hands." Let's say our lives seem to be in dissonance - that means our lives are a musical score. And that score is being written by a brilliant Composer. A Composer who, I believe, is able to take the ugly, broken, inconsistent, painful dissonances, and turn them around to create a gorgeous resolution.

And, since we're in this vein of Resolution and Sleeping At Last, here's one of my favorite songs of all time called, "Resolve."

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M3UB4YQrffU

"Let's stay the course, and let the tension make us new."  

The Body

Since the blog from Mrs. Hall about blocking girls' posts hit the internet, there has been a whole lot of discussion on the topic of modesty, women's rights, and men's responsibility. But this discussion is by no means a new thing. I've heard it constantly growing up. I could spend the entirety of this post talking about how this twisted idea of modesty is extremely gendered and objectifies women, making them confused about their self-worth and putting all kinds of guilt and pressure on them and letting men shirk their responsibility of respect and self-control. Even though I feel that's all true, there are plenty of blogs floating around devoted to those ideas that you're welcome to check out.

This one, for example: http://natepyle.com/seeing-a-woman/

We're going to talk about the problem of the human body in the context of modern Christian culture.

Simply put, we DON'T TALK ABOUT IT. Unless, of course, you're talking about sex. Leading many Christians to believe that the body - this fleshy, complex, beautiful, wonderful, amazing body - is only for sex.

Think about it. Go back to youth group in your mind. Are you there? I'm sorry. I know it brings up all kinds of awkward memories, but bear with me. The only time you ever talk about bodies is when you're talking modesty. Girls, keep those feminine curves covered up, because it makes men think about sex. Because that's all the female body is - a reminder that sex happens. Nobody can enjoy how aesthetically pleasing your body is, because that means that they're thinking about the way you're shaped, which means they're thinking about the fact that you're female, which means they're thinking about what females are for! *insert B-movie scream of terror*

And men! Don't think you're off the hook! Let's talk about controlling your body. That means you must learn to control your sexual desires and impulses.

Never mind controlling other fleshly desires, like overeating, putting toxic things like tobacco, alcohol, and drugs into your body, or just straight up doing stupid irresponsible crap that could possibly leave you crippled or maimed for life. Any of these things could leave you in a very poor place to use the body God gave you to accomplish His work with, but, you know, they're just not as alluring and distracting topics to address as sex is.

Granted, sex is part of how our human bodies work, and it is important to figure out how you can glorify God with your sexuality. That's right - I said glorify God with your sexuality. The Bible actually gives us guidelines on how to do that. 1 Corinthians 6:18 says, "Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a man commits are outside his body, but he who sins sexually sins against his own body." I believe this is in place in order to protect us, so that we can fully enjoy sex safely and without fear or remorse. The Bible even shows us how sublime sex, with true love, as it was intended to be, can be, in Song of Solomon. That book is steamy! But it's not scandalous. It incorporates ideas of spiritual love with tangible, sensory enjoyment. Because God made bodies, and bodies are pretty awesome. Sex is a powerful thing. It is connected with emotions and spirituality in a very mysterious way, and can cause a lot of pain if used flippantly. I think that is what the verse in 1 Corinthians is trying to warn against. Not because God doesn't want us to enjoy sex, but rather the opposite, so that we can use our bodies to reflect on how amazing He is and how much He loves us by making us that way, without the pain of those who just want to use it for their own personal, instant gratification, who will just use people up and throw them away, and ultimately never feel fulfilled by it anyway.

So yeah, sex is a part of how human bodies work. But it is definitely not all they were made to do. We refer to the church as "The body of Christ" because it has so many different members with so many different functions! And they all work together to make one unified being. It's pretty amazing, as a metaphor and biologically speaking. Do you ever just stop and think about your lungs? Your immune system? Your skin? Your pituitary gland? You are fearfully and wonderfully made, my friend!

Bodies are cool.

And they can do so much. Look at this picture:



I sincerely hope your first reaction wasn't along the lines of, "GAD!!! Look at them! They're wearing hardly any clothing! How disgusting!" or, heaven forbid, "Oh dear, I'm so turned on right now due to their lack of clothing. I can never un-see them in a state of undress and now only view them as objects of my sexual desire."

If yes, I can't help you. You are a lost cause. Go be a major creep in a lonely corner somewhere.

The body is beautiful, and it can do incredible things. Look at these dancers for what they are - what they're doing. They are taking the joy in their souls, the discipline of their minds and muscles, the interpretation of music, and using their bodies to create something stunning that can be enjoyed by others.

And, guess what? CHRISTIANS CAN DO THAT.

Don't believe me? The Bible backs it up. Check it out.
2 Samuel 6:14-22 "14 Wearing a linen ephod, David was dancing before the Lord with all his might, 15 while he and all Israel were bringing up the ark of the Lord with shouts and the sound of trumpets.

16 As the ark of the Lord was entering the City of David, Michal daughter of Saul watched from a window. And when she saw King David leaping and dancing before the Lord, she despised him in her heart.

17 They brought the ark of the Lord and set it in its place inside the tent that David had pitched for it,and David sacrificed burnt offerings and fellowship offerings before the Lord. 18 After he had finished sacrificing the burnt offerings and fellowship offerings, he blessed the people in the name of the Lord Almighty. 19 Then he gave a loaf of bread, a cake of dates and a cake of raisins to each person in the whole crowd of Israelites, both men and women. And all the people went to their homes.

20 When David returned home to bless his household, Michal daughter of Saul came out to meet him and said, “How the king of Israel has distinguished himself today, going around half-naked in full view of the slave girls of his servants as any vulgar fellow would!”

21 David said to Michal, “It was before the Lord, who chose me rather than your father or anyone from his house when he appointed me ruler over the Lord’s people Israel—I will celebrate before the Lord.22 I will become even more undignified than this, and I will be humiliated in my own eyes. But by these slave girls you spoke of, I will be held in honor.”"

It may have been undignified, it may not have been pretty, he may have shown a little leg skin, but David chose to use his body to express the joy of the Lord, overflowing from his soul. And, notice something else? Michal was rebuked for rebuking dancing. So there.

 Dance is one of my very favorite forms of worship. But do you ever see it in a worship service? It just doesn't seem to be socially acceptable in most churches - so I resort to putting on hymns in my room and dancing like crazy by myself. I still enjoy it very much, and honestly, I probably wouldn't be able to really get into it as much as I do if a bunch of people were around...unless they were all doing it too. Imagine a worship service like that!

Romans 12:1 tells us, "Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God - this is your spiritual act of worship." In other words, use what God gave you! Praise God for your beauty, and know that by no means is a female body evil or shameful in and of itself. You certainly can do evil and shameful things with your body, whether male or female. 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God." This involves respect, both of other people's uniquely beautiful and amazing bodies, and also your own. Think about how you're presenting, taking care of, and using your body, and whether or not it reflects God's purposes of grace, peace, beauty, justice, and love. There are a whole lot of things you can do with your body that really go against those purposes. But that doesn't mean that having a body (yes, even if it is nice to look at) is a bad thing! And guys, I'm sure you know that you can appreciate a girl for how beautiful she is without just meaning she's sexually appealing (which, by the way, is also not necessarily a bad thing in and of itself). Females have pretty faces, pretty hair, pretty hands, and pretty shapes - and it is entirely possible to appreciate that without objectifying her. And girls, never be ashamed or feel guilty about being beautiful. That never was never will be God's purpose for you.

You have been so blessed with this beautiful, mysterious, powerful thing called a body. Don't be afraid of it. Learn how to use it, and appreciate the ones others have been given.  

Life, Love, & Other Vague Generalities

Well hello there, people of the interwebs! I’m pretty new to blogging, but figured I’d give it a shot, as that’s what writers and artists and students and thinkers in general seem to be doing these days. I figure a topic such as the one listed above is a pretty safe place to start. So, here we go! What I’ve learned in my brief 22 years which makes me a veritable sage, how having a broken heart has made me into a better person, how writing is therapeutic and I’ve discovered meaning in my life because of it, why family is really the most important thing you can possibly have, why everyone should do ballet and yoga and learn an instrument at some point in their life, why dressing to impress is important, how to be an independent woman without bending to the will of the patriarchal society, why Stravinsky is better than Mozart. The end. I’m done. Wasn’t that fun? Aren’t I smart and insightful? I thought so. So I wrote a blog about it.

Those are the things people write about in blogs, correct? Those are the things people write about over and over in blogs, columns, forums, magazines, newspapers, books, and bathroom stalls. So I guess the question is, why? Why, when we are flooded with an abundance of stories about the same topics, do we keep producing them?

I think I may have part of an answer.

THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE

It’s what they tell you in every single writing class – write about the human experience. What the flibbertigibbet is the human experience though, anyway? Well, that question may be the point. We make so many generalizations about this mysterious thing called the human experience, but we all know full well that no two humans are exactly alike. Therefore, no two “human experiences” are going to be exactly alike. No matter how many advice columns you read, no matter how many stories you find of people overcoming the impossible, no matter how much you can relate to anyone’s personal life, things are not going to work out the same for you.

There are infinite factors that have made you into the person you are today and are going to make you into the person you’ll be tomorrow, the next day, twenty years from now, all the way up until your death. Infinite factors. For ONE PERSON. There are over 6 billion of us. If you’ve ever studied the principle of derangements in math, you’ll realize the magnitude of possibilities for completely different outcomes that creates. A derangement of ordered objects is a permutation in which none of the objects appear in their natural ordered place. For example, if you have a line of say, 4 people and you want to see how many different ways you can arrange those 4 people in that line, you use a simple formula to find the number of possible derangements. Now, I know what you’re thinking, Math?! I hate math! Why is she using math? I don’t want to do math – that’s why I’m reading! I know. I hate math too. Just stay with me for a minute here. So, the formula goes, n!/e (n being the number of objects, ! being “factorial” i.e. the number multiplied by each preceding digit to 1, and e being the irrational number 2.718…blah blah blah forever just because it is.) Going back to our 4 lovely people, you just multiply n, which is 4, by its factorial (4x3x2x1), you get 24. Divide that by 2.718 and you get 8.83. Round that up to the nearest whole number and you get 9. There are 9 possible ways you can arrange four people in a line. Want to see without the silly maths? Ok. Say our friends are named A, B, C, and D. Aside from the first ABCD, the only possible ways you can arrange them are: 1-BADC, 2-BCDA, 3-BDAC, 4-CADB, 5-CDAB, 6-CDBA, 7-DABC, 8-DCAB, 9-DCBA.

Pretty easy to see the principle with a small number. Now, say we had a line with 16 people in it. See, the funny thing about factorials is that they get really huge, really fast. If we try to do this equation, 16 factorial (16x15x14x13x12x11x10x9x8x7x6x5x4x3x2)…it gets pretty freaking huge.

What I’m trying to get at is, if we’re looking at that many different possible outcomes just for a few people standing in a line, life is absolutely unfathomably complicated.

The human experience. Somehow, we keep coming back to it. If there are all these infinite possibilities and all these forces working on every single person and we know that no two people are going to be the same, why is it that we are so often drawn to these very similar generalities?

For one thing, life isn’t math. (Thank GOD!!!!) People have a lot more in common with each other than math principles and probability would have us believe. It is true that nobody’s experience is going to be exactly the same, but that’s beautiful isn’t it? Everyone sees things a little, or a lot differently, and sharing that is how we discover more and more of this crazy, confusing, terrifying, wonderful world we live in. It doesn’t matter if someone has talked about it before. Everyone has their own completely unique perspective. And, really, it’s satisfying to read things that seem to line up with your own thoughts and experiences. That’s why we keep doing it. Even if the circumstances surrounding the idea are completely different, there are certain things that a whole lot of humans know at some level. We all know love, loss, bonding, faith, hope, longing, struggle, failure, and triumph. Our own personal experiences with them will be unique to us, but the human experience is the broader principles at work. And the more we share them, the more we connect with each other on this fundamental level, the more our own experiences are enhanced.

C.S. Lewis. I love this man. He said, “Even in literature and art, no man who bothers about originality will ever be original: whereas if you simply try to tell the truth (without caring twopence about how often it has been told before) you will, nine times out of ten, become original without ever having noticed it.”

So, I’m starting a blog. Sure, I’m going to touch on a lot of topics others have delved much deeper into. But that’s okay. I’m me, and this is what I think and feel. You can choose to read it or not read it. You can relate to it or be completely confused, offended, or bored by it. That’s up to you, and what I write is up to me. Here’s my experience, and my hope is that by recording and sharing it, we can all get at least a little something out of it.